The joys of change

I have very recently been reminded of that very uncomfortable process called "Change". I thought I was just having a few sleepless nights, premenstrual mood swings and unpleasant aches and pains. What is actually happening is that I am turning into gloop, like the caterpillar before he becomes a butterfly. Gloop.This is not my expression, Martha Beck wrote a fabulous article for O, The Oprah Magazine, called The Flying Game, all about the change cycle. And may I say that it is uncomfortable, ugly, messy and sore.

So I am squarely in Phase One, turning into Gloop. Did I say it was uncomfortable, ugly, messy and sore? It's good to repeat it. I am uncomfortable because, as someone who likes to be a tad in control of her life, I currently feel like a rag doll in a wind machine. If you want to know why it is ugly, ask my family.  Ditto with messy. And sore? Well, one of the things one tends to do in this process is dive into a new exercise regime and at my age that means lots of sore muscles.Lots. And always different ones. It also helps with the ugly and messy part of it - have you ever tried to be bright and sunny as you struggle up from you chair because your private trainer (who happens to be called Sunny!) made you do 500 glute exercises?

I am also reminded that I should be taking one day at a time and being kind to myself. "Grieve the loss of that person you were". The problem is there are days when I don't know how I am going to stand being with myself for 24 hours and this kind of negates the "being kind" part too. I'd rather beat myself over the head a few times. (Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!) and then sit crying into my coffee watching "Women who Kill" on C & I. Luckily I am aware (somewhere in the back of a dark and mystified subconscious) that this too will end and I will transfer into Phase 2 where I can look forward to Dreaming and Scheming. As long as it is not for revenge, I look forward to it.