It’s Monday

It's Monday. Again. What was your day like? I seemed to float around aimlessly for part of my day. As I look back at it I wonder what I did that was worth anything? Was I a productive member of society? I can't really say I was. I drove around a great deal. I don't particularly like driving. I have also decided that it is time to get a new car. Oh joy? Mmmmm.

I went to a very boring industry meeting where grey-haired men repeated the words of yesteryear and expected a different response. I sat there feeling caught in a time warp. There was one black man and two indian or coloured women. Come on. This is 2012, not 1991!

And then there is the subject of My Novel Journey. Otherwise called "writing a book". I almost cringe at the thought. Telling people you are "writing a book" sounds so pretentious. So "she's got nothing else to do-ish". So eye-rollingly "can't wait NOT to read it". Or is it just me?

I have re-embarked on it after humming and ha-ing for a few months. I smacked it out in three months and knew I had something Absolutely Awful. Something so horrible it actually could not be seen by any but the most trusted or stupid. It was hard to convince anyone of it's dreadfulness. Even my poor writing coach could not bring himself to say the words. Bless his soul. He did save me from myself. I have realised that I made every single writing error on the planet so it is just as well someone with better sense than me read the first draft and let me down so very, very gently. "Try again," he said, "Writing is all about the rewrites".

I probably would never have written another word in my life if he had been brutally honest. So,  I have sat down and structured a proper plot, developed proper characters and started Chapter One. I haven't finished Chapter One and already my Crushing Self Doubt is tap-tapping at the door of my rib cage. That's where mine sits. Don't know about you but it curls up in a little ball just above my heart and goes to sleep until I do something like write "Chapter One".  Then it rolls over and smiles a toothless grin at me, straightens up and starts slowly tap dancing to a forgotten beat. I break out into a sweat. My hands hover shaking over the keyboard.

All I know is that I need to keep on going. To bury my head in the words on the page and keep on going. And under no circumstances must I reread what I have written or dare to edit it. All hell will break loose and like Lot's wife looking at back at Soddom and Gomorrah I will be frozen in a pillar of salt.

I am off to finish Chapter One. Wish me luck. If you don't see another post from me for more than 4 days call someone. I'll either be white and unmoving or curled up in a corner sobbing, either way I will need help.